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13 Tips For Surviving A Night In A Cabin In The Woods

11) Don’t do anything lawfully or morally wrong.

This is a broad category, but it boils down to this: Don’t do anything modern society or basic Judeo-Christian religion would frown upon. Dpn’t drink. Don’t do drugs. Don’t fuck — especially don’t fuck. If you must engage in romantic physical contact with somebody, stick to medium-to-light making out and for god’s sake do NOT approach second base. Obey the 10 Commandments, including not taking the Lord’s name in vein. Treat your fellow cabin-mates as you would like them to treat you. Basically, don’t do anything that would make it karmically appropriate for someone to brutally murder you. Note: If you’re you an atheist, don’t think you can game the rules by doing Bible study or something during your stay; the supernatural forces that want you dead would only find that obnoxious.

12) Don’t film anything.

Seriously. Pulling out a video camera to record your little adventure is tantamount to signing your own death warrant.

13) Do not sleep. If you must sleep, sleep in shifts.

If there’s a night to buy an economy pack of Red Bulls and No-Doze, this night would be it. If you’re asleep you’re vulnerable, and if you’re vulnerable someone can give you an enema with a chainsaw. Best case scenario, you all stay awake all night, on the lookout for potential dangers/murderers/demons. If you must sleep, sleep in shifts. And NOT the kind of shift where only one person has to keep watch, because they will inevitably fall asleep and/or die horribly while they’re the only one conscious. Half of you sleep, and half of you stay awake — that way there’s at least two people who can watch each other, although really, a minimum of three people is recommended.

14) Do not leave at first light.

If, somehow, you’ve managed to survive the night and see the sun finally begin to peek up over the horizon, do NOT run outside to greet the day. People assume sunrise is the end of demonic/murderous festivities, but that’s not true at all. Sure, the powers of evil fade in the daylight, but they still have enough juju to ironically get you just when you think you’ve finally made it to safety. You’re going to want to wait until about noon, just in case — let the sun come up, banish the darkness, and hopefully the evil spirits will get bored and leave. Hopefully…


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