13 Tips For Surviving A Night In A Cabin In The Woods

8) Set up a perimeter.

Even if you’re able to watch the room’s access points, it’ll help to know where potential threats are coming from. Use crumpled up newspaper or broken glass (a bag full of light bulbs lightly smashed with a hammer should do the trick) and scatter them about all the entry points and at least 10 feet beyond. That way intruders will have to walk on them as they approach, serving as a low-tech security alarm. Well, for corporeal threats, at least.


9) Don’t leave the cabin under any circumstances.

When the shit hits the fan, your instinct will be to flee to your car. Ignore this. You’re far safer in the cabin than you are traipsing through the woods in the dark, if only because you cannot be sexually assaulted by an evil tree in the cabin (probably). The physical space of the cabin limits the amount (and size) of your attackers, while in the woods all bets are off. If shit gets so bad you feel you have to leave the cabin and make a break for the car, you should resign yourself to dying horribly. That way, on the off chance you actually survive, you can be pleasantly surprised.


10) Never ever leave the group for any reason.

Your survival depends on a lot of things, but none moreso than being in sight of your friends at all times. The second one of you disappears from everyone else’s view, that’s the second he/she gets possessed by a demon and starts trying to murder you with a sauté pan. If someone needs to go somewhere else in the cabin; everyone should go. Don’t fall for the buddy-system bullshit, where people partner off with a single other person; that’s as much of a death sentence as going off on your own. Yes this does mean that you will need to pee and poop in the main cabin room — presumably in a bucket placed in the corner — while your friends watch. Get over it. You’re the idiot who wanted to spend the night in a cabin in the woods.

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